Call Me Tabs: Snapshots of a changing life

{May 11, 2013} The road to health — my juice fast, day one, drink one

I’ve never really tried anything “crazy” when it came to trying to get healthy and lose weight. I’ve cut out soda before and drank only water. I’ve stopped eating fast food, opting to make dinner at home. But, I’ve never severely altered the way I consume food to detox my body in preparation for a healthy lifestyle.

Today, all that has changed.

The other day, I was flipping through Netflix, and I came across the documentary Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead. It was a story about a man named Joe Cook who decided to go on a 60-day juice fast to improve his health. He had chronic hives, he was 310 pounds, and he had nothing to lose. As a result of the juice fast, and the healthy lifestyle that followed, he was able to drop 76 pounds (in the first sixty days), and his chronic hives were no longer an issue.

Am I going to do this for 60 days? I don’t think so.

Instead, I am making a pledge to only ingest fresh, homemade fruit and vegetable juices for the next 7 days. If I can do it for 7 days, I may do it for 10. If I can do it for 10, I may decide to do it until my birthday on June 9.

This is day one. And, I feel like this is going to be an uphill battle.

Here is the day one breakfast juice:

And here is the recipe:

Two oranges
Two orange peppers (seeded)
Four large carrots
One lemon
One thumb of ginger
a handful of strawberries

And, I have to say, it’s not too bad! There’s no way I could eat all that food in one sitting, but I’m getting all the nutritional benefits in one sitting.

The orange peppers are all you can smell, but all you can basically taste is the citrus. I may add an apple for a little extra sweetness, but otherwise, it is pretty good! My lunch drink includes kale, apple, lemon, cucumber, and ginger.

And all this for 7 days. I think the hardest part of all this will be the detoxing during the first three days, and not feeling like I’m eating because I’m not chewing anything. But, we’ll see what happens, right?

Wish me luck!

{April 16, 2013} Writing again…and not just here

After almost two years of barely using my creative writing prowess, I’m back to work. I had a feeling that I would want to sit back down to the keyboard once I wasn’t typing away as a journalist day after day.

Now that I’m writing web content for a robotics integrator, I’ve started to contemplate returning to my keyboard in the evenings. It’s an exciting idea.

For almost two years as a crime reporter, I had to sit down and write drudgery day after day. Now, don’t get me wrong — a lot of it could be interesting, and I became quite good at forming a story based on other people’s insights and quotes. However, after working eight hours a day putting 800-1600 words on a page, I had no want to continue to do it at home.

Now, I don’t have to write as much, and it is more editing work than original content. But, even when it is original content, it is very technical, and somehow that is easier for me.

With that, I return to the laptop to write a new story — a new memoir, about a woman finding her way from romantic ineptitude to walking down the aisle in just a little over a year. I think it might be quite a read once it is finished. A nice pairing to Call Me Tabs — maybe something like How did I get here? or From spinster to wife in 14 months. Lol, I don’t know the title right now, but, I’m sure I’ll figure it out! For that matter, I could just call it Out of the Blue

{April 2, 2013} One minute at a time

You know, some people take their lives one day at a time. I think of my life in minute increments. Every minute I don’t reach for food that’s adding on the pounds and clogging my arteries, that’s a good minute — which can equal into a good hour and a good day.

I know that there are going to be setbacks, but it’s just a minute, right? Anyone can overcome that.

While I’ve thought about losing weight in the past, and even been successful at times, it has never been as imperative as it is now. Now, my health is affected. Now, I can’t live my life the way I want to — and that is going to stop (as I said yesterday).

So, I made good food decisions today, and I’m walking for 30 minutes after work with a friend. And just like when I’m on the treadmill, I’ll take it one minute at a time. And maybe, just maybe — those minutes will add up to pounds and inches lost.

{April 1, 2013} It all ends today

This.is.absolutely.ridiculous…

While I haven’t gotten on a scale in over two months, I can guarantee that I have packed on at least 30 (if not more) pounds since September. Or, for that matter…since January.

Somehow, I have gone from overweight, to obese, to morbidly obese, to slovenly. I’m eating fast food not just one, but sometimes TWICE a day. And, it needs to stop.

Why does it need to stop? Oh, don’t worry…you know I’m going to tell you:

- It needs to stop because three weeks ago, I sprained my ankle, and it is still in as much pain as it was on day two.

- It needs to stop because I’m getting so big that easy tasks like going down stairs takes twice as much time.

- It needs to stop because I just got winded walking 0.34 miles at a 29 minute per mile pace (last year at this time, I was walking that with no problem at a 24 minute per mile pace).

- It needs to stop because my fiance said I’m starting to stop breathing periodically in my sleep (hello sleep apnea!).

- It needs to stop because my calves swell up so tight that they hurt every night, even though I sit at my job most of the day.

- It needs to stop because I can’t buy clothes, even in plus sized stores.

- It needs to stop because I get winded on a trip to Wal-Mart.

- It needs to stop because I have trouble putting on my own socks and shoes in the morning.

- And finally, it needs to stop because if I get much larger, personal hygiene will start to become a problem.

I don’t want to be the 400-500 pound woman in Wal-Mart who needs the motorized wheel chair. I don’t want to die in my sleep. I don’t want my fiance (soon to be husband) to have to start taking care of me (bathing, dressing, etc.) when we’re under 35.

Like I said — it needs to stop. And, it all ends today.

How does it start? It starts with the two liters of water I’m drinking at work today, the 0.34 miles I walked on the treadmill during half my lunch, and the healthier (not exactly fully healthy) lunch option I chose today. That’s how it starts.

And, I’m not crazy — I need support. If you’ve ever went through something like this,…if you have over 100lbs to lose and feel like it is insurmountable…please let me know. I hope I’m not alone in this.

{March 5, 2013} Let it snow

“I was made and meant to look for you and wait for you and become yours forever.”
― Robert Browning

I am in love…those words aren’t easy for me to write, and they’re even harder for me to believe.

I remember wishing for love, wanting that relationship. I thought of myself as a child, waiting for snow to come so school could be canceled. Nine times out of ten, the snow wouldn’t come. But, all it took was the perfect conditions, and I was making snow angels all day.That’s how elusive love felt to me — and I couldn’t find those perfect conditions.

As a matter of fact, just a year ago I was an opponent of love and relationships. I thought that only simple, weak people got into relationships. Relationships were for people who needed a crutch — and that wasn’t me…not anymore.

I came out of seven years of abuse and dependence on one man with a severe distaste for love and all the strings that came along with it.

After feeling worthless for years, I broke free of those bonds, and put that relationship behind me. But, I’m not as far away from my ex-husband’s unrelenting voice as I once thought. He breaks through in my mind every now and then through the words of my fiance.

Though I know my fiance would never do anything to harm me, those fears seem to creep up now and again. Why am I doing this again? Why do I want to depend on someone else? Why am I setting myself up to be hurt again?

But, even among the nagging fears, I look at him…and everything is alright.

I remember the first night we met in person for the first time. I sent him a text to let him know I was outside and down the street to the left (in my car). He came out and looked right, before looking left and laughing. It set the tone for our entire relationship.

That night, he treated me with the tenderness and respect that I thought no longer existed in men. I remember taking a walk and sitting down on the steps of a church and talking for hours. As we each readjusted to remain comfortable on the steps, we began scooting closer together. Eventually, our arms were touching. Only then, after more than two hours, did he put his arm around me. From there, it was hand holding, talking, hugs, and — at the end of the evening — the sweetest first kiss I’ve ever had. He didn’t try for more that night. He held off, knowing exactly what I needed from him. He’s been there every night since.

That was over five months ago, and now we’re getting married. My snow day finally came. I hope it never ends.

{March 2, 2013} Lost…wanting to be found

“Faith is not the belief that God will do what you want. It is the belief that God will do what is right.”
― Max Lucado, He Still Moves Stones

As the fiance and I continue the job search, I’ve found myself praying more than usual lately. Honestly, I’ve started to feel the presence of God in my life more and more in the last year. Out of nowhere, I decide to try for a job in North Carolina. I find the job. I get the job. I move. I hate the job. But, in the midst of all that, I find the man I’ve been looking for my entire life. It seems like a plan from my Creator. Now, I’m praying I can figure out the next part of His plan, and hoping that I can trust it and not worry myself into a corner until I get a job offer.

Author’s note: You don’t have to believe what I believe. But, you do need to respect my right to talk about what I believe on my own website.

Throughout my life, I’ve moved closer and farther from God depending on the level of stress in my life. I’m glad that God loves unconditionally, because if God were a human, I’d have been dumped as a friend by now. I stopped talking to God for a long time after my marriage broke up in 2005. I’d recommitted my life to God earlier that year and prayed that He would help save my marriage…and instead it fell apart. Now, looking back, I see that it was meant to break up.

I spent years pretending God didn’t exist, unless I really needed something. And, despite my denials, I’ve never wanted for anything. When I needed money, it came. When I needed a job, I got one. When I went looking for an answer to a problem or inspiration for a paper, I found it.

So, why have I been so reluctant to go back to church and start a better relationship with God? I’m a punk, that’s why. I’ve always said, “I’ll do it later.” You know, later — when I no longer want to party, curse like a sailor, have sex with random men..later.

After two trips to the ER in less than a year, I’ve realized that later could come sooner than I think. No one is promised tomorrow, as I have said in earlier blogs. Plus, I feel a void in my life. I thought that a significant other would feel that void, but it is still there. It is a void that only spirituality can fill.

I want to raise my children in church as a I was raised. I want to teach my children the stories of the Bible, the way I was taught. And, I want to give them the room to find their own way to God once they digest all those Sunday school lessons. I didn’t realize my need for faith until my 32nd year on this earth. I hope it doesn’t take them as long.

Eventually, they will find their way. I just hope that I can clean up my life so they can see me as an example, instead of a hypocrite for teaching them one way and acting another.

“I dont think that we’re meant to understand it all the time. I think that sometimes we just have to have faith.”
― Nicholas Sparks, A Walk to Remember

{February 9, 2013} Starting over

“We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. The old skin has to be shed before the new one can come. -”
― Joseph Campbell

When I left for North Carolina in August 2012, I thought I’d never come back to Marion, Ohio. I actually bragged to people that I would never come back to this small town.

And now, 5 months later…I’m back.

While several people in the community are happy about my return, I’ve heard “so it didn’t work out in NC?” many times.

Did it work out in NC? Well, it could have, if I wanted to continue working at a job that drove me completely crazy. But, as I said, once I met my fiance, my priorities changed. I wanted to be nearer to my family. Being 20 minutes from the beach in a town of beautiful men didn’t matter when the only man I wanted to see was sitting in my apartment every night.

I wanted to have my family in the same place where I grew up. So, we moved back.

And then, I saw the signs — Heroin is Marion’s Economy.

Apparently, a former drug user decided to make the signs as a way to draw attention to the heroin problem in Marion. But, to me, it just signified something that I’d thought for a long time — people with the potential to save this town either keep leaving or focus their attention elsewhere. Everyone seems to think that saving this community is someone else’s problem.

I want it to be my problem. I wanted to come back to look at Marion through rested eyes and see, not just as a journalist, but as a person, what the main problems are in this city. Heroin, as hard as it is for me to believe, is a major player here.

I’m not sure what to do or what to say. I’m not a leader, nor am I an activist, but I feel like as a writer, there is something I can do about the issues in this town….even if I just write about them. So, I’m going to devote a little blog space each week to the issues of my favorite community.

If those of us with the minds to help keep bailing out of this community, who is going to be left to make it better?

If anyone who reads this has ideas about ways to boost activism or urban renewal in small towns, please leave a comment. I’d love to hear some ideas.

{January 31, 2013} A life erased

“I want to believe that memories, even sad and painful ones, should not be forgotten forever.”
― Natsuki Takaya

In 1998, I was 18, and I thought I’d met my soulmate. We got married in January 1999, moved to Jacksonville, North Carolina and spent the next six years learning how to hate.

Needless to say, the marriage did not work out. We lived in a little house on Tarawa Terrace II, a base housing complex that was part of Camp Lejeune. While I stayed home with our two children, he worked and did other extramarital activities.

The split came in November 2005. I packed up the kids and moved home to Ohio. At that point, it was time to drop the titles of wife and, even scarier, Marine Corps wife and start to learn who I was on my own.

I’d spent over half a decade being told not only who I should be, but also who I was. The choice to be whatever I wanted to be gave way to a couple of dead end jobs, a few bad decisions and some long nights.

I didn’t really hit my stride until college. To be perfectly blunt (and a little less humble than usual), I kicked college’s ass. I realized I was not just an academic – I was a pretty good writer too. I won several writing and academic awards while going to The Ohio State University. Then, graduation came, and it was time to leave campus and get a “real” job.

I happened into a job at my hometown newspaper. I worked as the crime reporter for almost a year, covering every kind of story imaginable. As that first year was coming to a close, I started to get itchy feet, and I wanted to see what else this career move had in store for me.

Where could I move? I figured maybe I would try to get a job as a reporter in Jacksonville, NC…the only other town I really knew. With a bit of luck, I landed a job as the crime reporter in Jacksonville, and I moved back to the town in August 2012, after being gone almost 7 years.

Shortly before leaving Marion, I had started a profile on an online dating site. I went on several dates when I got to Jacksonville, but no one held my interest for very long. Then, I got a message from this guy named Ricky.

We talked online for a while, and then decided to meet. It took one meeting for me to realize that my days of playing the field were over. He was a kind, courteous and respectful. He was the soulmate I’d been waiting for all my life. Thankfully, he felt the same way about me. Now…just a few months later, we are engaged and planning to get married on Sept. 28, 2013.

That brings me to right now, writing in my apartment tonight. I am leaving Jacksonville for the last time. While I have friends and family elsewhere in North Carolina, there is nothing left for me here. My ex-husband (and children’s father) lives in Arizona. All of our old friends have moved on. Even the little house on Tarawa Terrace II is gone – torn down to make way for better housing.

While there will still be a few articles lingering around with my name on them in the local paper…everything that was that old life, that Marine Corps life, is gone. It’s like I was never here before.

It’s an odd feeling. It feels like that life is a gravestone in an old family graveyard after the family has passed on. There’s no one to visit it, no one remembers it, and it’s all grown up with weeds. Only the words on the gravestone tell the tale of those buried there and the secrets their lives contained.

I’m the only one left with the real memories of this place. And now, I’m putting those bad memories to rest as well. Jacksonville has helped me come full circle in my life. I came here once as a married woman and left single. In August, I moved here as a very single woman and I’m leaving engaged to a man who loves more than I ever could have imagined.

There are parts of Jacksonville I will remember fondly, and others I will try to forget, but my memoir, Call Me Tabs: The Making and Breaking of a Marine Corps Wife, will always tell the tale of that life – a life that now seems far away and almost nonexistent.

Now, it’s time to turn the page and get on with my ever-changing life.

{January 27, 2013} Changing it up

So…I quit my job…without having another job lined up. I haven’t been unemployed since Sept. 10, 2011. Part of me is screaming, “What are you thinking? You’ll have no money! You won’t find another job! You’ll be living in a van down by the river in no time!”

Of course, the other part of me wants to bitchslap that part and tell her to calm the hell down.

I’m going to walk into this new chapter of my life with the same vigor I did when I decided to switch up my life midstream in mid-2012. Granted, I had a job offer then, but I chose to leave behind all my friends and family for a job 650 miles away. Is it weird that I’m actually more excited this time than I was before?

When I was single, I saw all these journalism opportunities out in front of me, and I actually thought I wanted them. But, after falling into a job here in Jacksonville that was completely stressful in a way I’d never imagined, and meeting the love of my life, I realized that I’d rather have a job that wasn’t so all-consuming.

Journalism is great, don’t get me wrong — but the crime beat will chew you up and spit you out. Some days you have 10 stories and some days you have zero. It was those zero days that messed me up. I’d stay up stressing about not having story ideas for a paper that demanded two byline stories a day. I started to have more anxiety attacks. I started to lose my hair. I started to have chest pains. It was time to leave before the beat killed me.

In some respects, I miss my first paper. The paper wasn’t as thick, the workload wasn’t as lofty, and I had a deep respect for my editors. There’s just something about the editors at your first job, you know? Even though my city editor would yell occasionally, he taught me more than I ever thought possible about how to be a journalist….kind of like a parent and a small child. You don’t appreciate it when it is happening, but as you get older, you learn why the parent did what they did.

But, enough about journalism. I love to write, this is true, and I’d love to pursue a career doing freelance, but that is the extent of it. I want to write my book. I want to write short stories. I want to write poetry again. Being a journalist has, in a way, sucked all the creative drive out of me. When I’d get home at night, I just didn’t have it in me to sit down and write — unless it was in this blog format.

So, I’m getting ready to move back to Marion, Ohio — back to my family. I can’t wait. My fiance is coming with me, and he’s excited too — though being a native North Carolinian, he may freeze in the first week.

You know, in some respects, I think that maybe it was never the job that was so stressful. Maybe it was the breakdown of support that happened soon after I moved to NC. I moved here having three friends who worked as a support system. But, after some issues, only one remains, and she lives 45 minutes away. Then, it was just me, my fiance and my children. Don’t get me wrong — I love my fiance very much — but we both realize that we need to branch out and have some more people in our lives.

Plus, I’m a momma’s girl. I miss being able to go over to my momma’s house at a moment’s notice, sitting down on the couch and just spending the day talking. My mom has lost both her mother and mother-in-law, and I know that she would give anything to be able to go back and spend even more time with them. My parents are relatively young at 56 and 50, but they aren’t getting any younger, and I want to cherish the time I have with them now before it is too late.

Yes, some may see my move back to the fold as “giving up.” I see it more as growing up. I don’t feel the need or burden to prove myself to anyone else. I’m completely content with who I am as a person (though I want to shrink a few sizes), and I know after this little five month experiment that being near family and friends is more important than geographic location.

Will I miss living 25 minutes from the beach? Yes. Will I be able to visit it again? Of course…I’ll be back. My fiance’s family lives in NC.

Now, it’s time to move on. I’m looking at job opportunities in communications, public relations, community service, etc. I’m even thinking about possibly going back to school. Law school? Maybe. I’m not sure. We’ll see where the journey takes me.

Change is so exciting — I can’t wait to see what happens next.

{January 25, 2013} Face to face with my mortality – column – Week 4

Coming face-to-face with my mortality – one step at a time

By TABITHA CLARK

Daily News Staff

When I was young, I thought I was invincible. My car could never go too fast and my food could never be too greasy. I mean, come on, only “old” people died, right?

You’d think that after seeing my friends picked off in high school, either from car wrecks or suicide, my mind would change – and it did, to a point. I kept my foot out of the oil pan, but I continued to eat really “bad for you” foods like fast food and other junk.

This didn’t get any better after a failed marriage and depression. At one point in my life, I could eat an entire 20-piece nugget, large fry and Big Mac from McDonalds – in one sitting. Food was my comfort. It never let me down, and it was always there.

Besides, why did I have to worry about my mortality, right? I’m the healthiest morbidly obese person I know. I’ve never had very high blood pressure or cholesterol. I don’t have diabetes. I don’t have a high resting heart rate. Who cares if my weight reached into the 300s? I was fit as a fiddle – or, maybe a cello.

Of course, I get winded after coming up one flight of stairs. My knee will go out on me if I stand too long. Oh, and if I sit in one position for too long (meaning 5-10 minutes), one of my appendages may go numb. But, that’s normal, right?

Cut back to Sunday night, Jan. 20, 2013. I started to have little stabbing pains in my chest. They continued on and off throughout Monday, and by Monday night, I was convinced that I had indigestion.

Of course, by Tuesday morning…I thought I was going to die.

That morning, I woke up and felt like someone was sitting on top of my chest. When I sat up, the pressure continued, and I couldn’t quite catch my breath. My back hurt, and I started to get a tingling sensation down my left arm and up the left side of my neck. My first thought – I’m 32, and I’m going to die.

My fiancé insisted that I go to the ER. So, we made our way down Western Boulevard to Onslow Memorial Hospital. They took me to the back, took an EKG, got my vitals, took some blood and asked me to chew up some baby aspirin.

Once I was in the exam room, they put me in a gown and hooked me up to a heart monitor. I laid there for four hours as I was fed Maalox and Pepcid to make sure it wasn’t indigestion and then nitrogen just in case it was something cardiac-related.

Have you ever taken a nitrogen pill? It is a terrible feeling. It sits under your tongue and burns. Then, it makes you feel like you have indigestion. Then, it gives you a massive headache.

Before I left, I was given a painkiller through my IV, I believe a type of hydromorphone, and after some discharge papers (that I’m sure will lead to a huge bill), I was on my way with a prescription for anti-inflammatory meds, and instructions to follow-up if the pain continues or gets worse.

So, I didn’t have a heart attack. That’s good. However, there is something seriously wrong with me because the pain hasn’t subsided. That’s not so good.

However, there is a silver lining to this tale: It’s a wake-up call. Why am I in a position at 32 to believe that I may be having a heart attack? Why can’t I take a flight of stairs without being winded? These are the things I want to answer – and I will. While I didn’t exactly look death in the face on this ER trip, I feel like he’s breathing down my neck, and I think it is time to start taking it a little more seriously.

None of us are promised tomorrow, my friends, so why not be the best that you can be today? We are all going to die one day – I just hope that I don’t see death any time soon, and I’ll do everything in my power to keep him at bay.

This will be my last column for The Daily News. I am packing up my laptop and heading up to Marion, Ohio to be nearer to my family. They are also having health problems, and I want to be able to be there to help them through their tough times and wake-up calls.

I will continue to write about my journey at CallMeTabs.com. I wish all of you luck in your future weight loss and healthy lifestyle endeavors.

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